Another Day with the Sheltons

"I've got to go after him - Aslan, I mean - the Lion. I must speak to him."

"Do you think we can?" said Polly, "I wouldn't dare."

"I've got to," said Digory. "It's about Mother. If anyone could give me something that would do her good, it would be him."

-   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -    -    -    -    -

But when he had said "Yes", he thought of his Mother, and he thought of the great hopes he had had, and how they were dying away, and a lump came in his throat and tears in his eyes, and he blurted out:

"But please, please - won't you - can't you give me something that will cure Mother?" Up till the he had been looking at the Lion's great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at it's face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.



Yesterday (Friday, Nov. 18, 2011) was a long day for many people. I had spent the night before in Tulsa with some of the Sheltons so that I could be there with them during the "wait" of surgery. Originally the surgery time was set for 10:00. They'd prep her about 9:15 and then the OR would come get her when they were ready. I got to go back with a couple other young ladies (Deidra and Rashell. Sorry girls, I'm a horrible spellerer) to see Sarah about 8:45AM. We made sure she knew she was a Facebook sensation, prayed with her, told her we loved her and that we would see again her later that day.

Out in the waiting room we soon got word that while the nurses were there prepping her to be rolled to surgery the head nurse had come in and stopped the process. She had just heard that they would not be able to take Sarah back for another hour or so. This was very rough on the family. To have that scary, dreaded, awfully anticipated moment finally there. That moment when they are about to take Sarah away. Take her back where family members can't go, where Mark and Jan couldn't hold her hand any longer, where they would have to put their faith completely in God and in the hospital staff to care for her. They have been waiting for this moment for almost 5 days and it was finally here. And then they were told, "No, not yet. You're going to have to wait some more."

The surgery was pushed back to noon, then about 11:15ish we heard, "probably going to be more like 1:30, maybe 3:00."

I tried to keep up with updates. I had a list of people I was texting, plus I tried to keep Facebook current... but it got hard. It got pretty dark in my head. You see throughout this week I've been fine as long as I'm processing numbers and facts.

Fact: "Sarah has a brain tumor."
Number: "The surgery is going to be in 2 days."
Fact: "Sarah has a shunt to drain fluid and relieve pressure."
Number: "Since they relieved the pressure her oxygen levels have been very good 96, 99, 98."

I have not done well when processing my feelings about those facts. I overheard my roommate on the phone very earlier this week saying that, "Karen is having a hard time dealing with this." She was right, but I hadn't faced up to that yet. I had to do some thinking as to why this was. Sarah and I are friends, but it's not like we hang out every weekend. Shoot, we probably haven't "hung out" where the purpose was that Sarah and I wanted to get together in over a year. Why was I so upset about all this? I quickly came up with the answers.

One: I am an only child. I do not know what it is like to have brothers or sisters. I'm not complaining or whining about it, just stating a fact. But while I do not know what it's like to have a brother or a sister, I do know what it was like to grow up with the Sheltons, all 5 of them. My family moved to Perkins when I was 7 and very soon after that our families began vacationing together every summer. We shared meals together often and I even remember a long time where it was strange if the Mays and the Sheltons weren't together Sunday night after church. Sarah and Laura are like sisters to me (and they guys are like brothers) even if we haven't kept up the past few years... we kinda grew up together.

Two: I believe in God's sovereignty. I believe that He holds infinite power to do whatever He wants. I believe that when we pray for things that don't end up going the way we prayed it is not because God didn't hear our prayer or that we didn't pray hard enough or that God is punishing us for some sin by not setting things up the way we've asked. But because God answered, "No, I have another way." And this is really tough. God told the Israelites through Isaiah, "My thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways." I absolutely believe that prayer changes thing much like I can change my own dad's course of action by asking him for something. But ultimately there are things that we might pray for where we have to understand that our ways are not His ways. He functions on a higher level of understanding than we do. There are some things that I might ask my dad for that he will not do or that he will say no to.
I have a close friend who has been through the experience of finding out a young family member has a brain tumor. In what seems to me to be a horrible injustice, her family member pasted away. While I did not know her or her family during that difficult time in their life I have talked, cried, held, laughed and gotten to know that family member some through interactions with my friend and her family. They prayed just as hard for the circumstance in their lives as we've prayed for Sarah. They are a family of great faith, who come from a community of faith much like our own. They sincerely begged God to heal the one in their lives in who was in this same circumstance. But God said no.

Before I hear any of this from anyone. (and believe me I will delete your comment, unfriend you and probably have a hard time not yelling at you the next time I see you if you do...) It wasn't because they didn't have enough faith. They couldn't have prayed any harder. It had nothing to do with sin in their lives. God simply did not choose to heal in this situation. Why? Did God not care? I can't believe that is the case. I have no answer for the why, and this is why believing in God's ultimate sovereignty scares me and is difficult. I can only try to rest in the fact that His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. My God is bigger and smarter than me, and that is hard to deal with sometimes. So every time I saw a post or heard someone say, "It's going to be okay, God is going to heal Sarah." I had to think in my mind, "But sometimes He doesn't." I have to explain, this thought in my mind doesn't come out of, "He can't, or He is not able." But I just know that sometimes He does not.

So in this brutal waiting game in the hospital... I went into "having a hard time dealing with this." (Side note: I want it to be clear that I was not having as hard of a time dealing with things as the family was. I am not trying to take the spotlight here, I am just saying that I can't imagine how hard, or "dark" it got in their minds when I know how my own was handling things.) I was back in Sarah's room when they had finally gotten everything ready. I stood there with many others. (I think at one point there were 18 family members and friends in there.) We were all silent. I imagine we were all praying to ourselves. I watched as Jan stood silently by her daughter's head and prayed softly over her. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but I know she was begging God for Sarah's healing, for wisdom, alertness and skill for the Dr.s, and I’m sure the list goes on.
As I prayed, "God, please want to heal Sarah. You have the power and you can, please choose to." The scene above from the Chronicles of Narnia books came into my mind. This is from The Magician's Nephew. Digory's mother is dying and he comes to Narnia with the intent of finding a cure for her. Being a student of film I can't read anything without directing the movie of it in my head. This scene came back crystal clear just as if I had read it the night before.

It so humbling to me to think that when something touches my heart so heavily that it moves me to tears that my God, who loves perfectly, is also moved by that same thing. So often my view of God is very cold: He is up there keeping things running. Yes, He listens to me and allows me to speak to him, but it's listening like someone who is processes a debriefing, weighing out the good and the bad and plotting out a course of action. But that is not actually the case.
The beginning of Matthew 8 shows us where a man who needed healing comes to Jesus and says, "If you are willing, you can heal me." One version says it, "If you want to." Jesus responds to him by saying, "I want to." In the end of the next chapter Jesus feels compassion for an entire crowd of people. Later in the end of Chapter 20 Jesus is "deeply moved by" or "felt sorry for" others who needed healing.

"They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself."
I was reminded while standing there silently that God is on our side. And while sometimes He may, in His infinite wisdom, choose to say, "No." It's not a cold, rejection of our paperwork. He created all the emotions we experience and He experiences them without imperfection because He is infinitely Holy and without sin. As much as we love this girl, God's tears for Sarah are bigger and brighter than our own. And we (I) have to understand that He is really sorrier about her pain and the whole situation than we are ourselves. But his sorrow does not come from a fear of what is going to happen. He knows, He is already in the future dealing with it. It comes from his love and concern and compassion for us, as dirty as we are compared to Him… He cares deeply for us. I don't know about you, but I can't help but find hope in that. I will do my best to give God full glory in any recovery, healing, or even in any pain that Sarah may experience, because I know that He loves her (and me and you) and because He is sovereign over all of it.

A Day with the Sheltons

I just got home from spending the day with the Sheltons at the hospital. There is nothing new to report. That wasn't already covered in a previous note or post. Surgery is tentatively set for 10:00AM Friday morning, they are giving the steroids plenty of time to do their job and started working on getting sarah to eat some today.


This post is more to address the "How is everyone...really?" questions.

1st of all let me say that I do not speak on behalf of the Sheltons or any friends or family, this is just what I observed from spending the day with them.


Really... everyone's world has been shaken up. And really... no one is excited, happy or joyful in the fact that poor sweet Sarah has a brain tumor. I want that to be clear before you read on, but the day I just had can be described as nothing less than joyful, hopeful and even, at moments, fun.
 

Jan told me that this morning a nurse came in and asked Sarah who she was, where she was and why she was there. One question at a time Sarah responded, "Sarah Shelton, Stillwater, because my head hurts." A little later after Sarah had been alert for a bit Jan took the opportunity to tell her again everything that had happened. Explaining that she was in St. Fransis in Tulsa because she had a brain tumor and describing some of the events that had gotten her there. Jan told me she also explained to Sarah that they knew this was just a start in what would be a difficult section of her life. "But," Jan told me, "I also told her that from what I knew, attitude was really important in her getting better and that I needed her start fighting now so she could start getting better soon." Jan then asked her if she understood what she was hearing. "She was very tired and couldn't form words at that point so I just asked her to blink twice if she understood me. She blinked once and then kinda squinted like she was trying to blink a second time so I took that to mean that she did."
 

Shortly after having that conversation Jana told me to go ahead and let her know that I was here, so I woke her up and told her good morning. She rolled her head toward me and stared blankly. I asked her if she knew who I was and she didn't respond at all. She just scratched at tubes in her head and rolled the other direction as Jan pulled her hands away. Needless to say that was disheartening. I went back out to the waiting room to sit and talk with the rest of the family and friends who had come to stay.
 

Just about an hour after that I think it was Jared (brother) had gone back to check on her. He came out and excitedly said, "She's awake and she knows where she is. Jarrod (boyfriend), she's asking for you and she is talking better than she has yet!" The nurse had come in and asked her the three questions again and this time she answered. "Sarah Shelton, St. Fransis and I have a tumor.” So for the next couple of hours we all took our turns going back a few at a time to talk with her and really... just to see what she'd say. ;-)
 

When each person would return they'd share the funniest comment she'd made while they had been back there. Now some of the comments were funny just because she is still pretty tired and out of it. Like when she asked Laura to bring Cali back to see her. Laura explained that they didn't allow babies back where Sarah was staying. Jana said she got a really confused look on her face and half stated and half asked, "I won't hurt her?" But, not all of her humor was because she was out of it.
 

When I took my turn, she recognized me immediately and began talking with me. Her speech is slurred some and it takes lots of thought for her to form her words but she definitely wanted to talk with people. We talked about what movies she'd want to watch if she could and she said a Disney movie, specifically The Little Mermaid. When I asked her why she said, "Because Prince Eric is so hot!" Then she grinned at herself, opened her eyes and looked around the room for Jarrod, her boyfriend.
 

Before I left during that time I told her she had a room full of brothers and sisters out there that would probably bring her anything she wanted, and that if they didn't she could just tell me and I'd thump them for her. Again she grinned and said, "You should just thump them anyway." Then opened her eyes and look at me and laughed a tiny tiny bit.
 

Sarah has every right to be crabby, unresponsive, serious or just plain cranky, but she's not. Of course she tires easily and like I said a "conversation" with her is very simple right now, but she was trying to make people laugh. Besides that first time I went to see her in the morning, I never went back there when she didn't smile really big when she recognized me and thank me for coming to see her. I think if nothing else, her attitude set the tone for everyone else who was there today.
 

The whole family functioned together today drawing strength from one another and reminding each other that, "God's got this under control." Board games were broken out to help pass the time, homework was worked on, cell phone games we downloaded and shared, a few friends came by and brought all kinda of food, snacks and drinks, and generally the tone of the day was hopeful, even joyful at moments.
 

It seems like everyone was just settling in for the long wait until Friday. That girl has so much love and support in the waiting room and all over the state. I told her that she and her penguin were now an internet sensation and that she was an online rock star. She just smiled and said something about "her public" (We didn't catch all of that one and she moved on asking me about my parents before we could ask her to say it again.)
 

At one point, this evening while Mark was on the phone he said, "We know we've got a long road ahead of us, but today was just pretty much an all around good day." And I couldn't agree more. I was blessed by getting to spend time with the Sheltons today. Catching up with old friends while loving on and lifting each other up was such a blessing! Keep praying for them and especially for Sarah. She is already fighting... and laughing as much as she can. :-)

Chicks 4 Orphans

What's the Deal?
This Sunday (Nov. 6th) is "Orphan Sunday!" (http://orphansunday.org/) So... I'm kicking off my own little get-involved-campaign. There is a Christ-centered organization in Zambia called Every Orphan's Hope (http://everyorphan.org/). I found out about it and heard about the things they are doing this summer when a friend of mine went on a mission trip to help put on Camp Hope. A giant camp that Every Orphan's Hope puts on during the summer for the large population of HIV/AIDS orphans and "at risk or disadvantaged" kiddos in Zambia, Africa.

They are doing a fundraiser called Chicks 4 Orphans (http://www.chicks4orphans.org/) to help fund the work they are doing, and I want to get involved.

So I'm asking everyone I know if they'd like to get involved with me. Chicks 4 Orphans is asking for a onetime donation of $4 to buy a chicken to help get the orphan's chicken farms going. Just $4 bucks. If you're interested just let me know and I'll pick up your cash or check whenever its convenient for you. At the end of the month I'll mail in the total I've collected. I've set a goal for myself of 40 Chicks in the month of November.

Why Every Orphan's Hope?
I really love that this organization is not just throwing money at a problem and hoping it helps. Their website says that, "We don't build orphanages. We build homes..." The model they use is simple. They build a home fill it with 4 orphaned boys, 4 orphaned girls and a "Mama" who is usually a widow who has devoted her life to serving God and these kiddos in the homes. They start a micro enterprise (such as chicken farming) within each home and with some time the home becomes self-sustaining freeing up resources to build more homes for more orphans.

The way EOH works is on a community level. Instead of building a large institution in a central city they are addressing the problem in the smaller communities and are placing the orphans in family units that are right there in the same community the kids are from.

Why Chicks 4 Orphans?
I'm a recent college grad and am building a small business. I don't know exactly when my next check is coming in and I don't have $40 a month to sponsor a child. But I do have $4 in my wallet right now that is not promised to anything (except maybe a white chocolate mocha and I can probably do without that this one time ;-). So this is something I can do. And since I can, I'm hoping others will see that they can too and get involved with me.

Can I just give online or do I have to give it to you?
Yes! You can and if it won't work out for you to give me your donation then please do donate online. The chicks 4 orphans link above has a tab that's called "buy a chick." You can give online right there.

However, if we can work it out to get a check or cash to me then I'd ask you to do that. (I understand that takes you having faith in me that I'm not going to steal your money. All I can give you is my word that I won't.)

Here is why: In any type of online or electronic money exchange there is typically a debit charge or some sort of processing fee set up by whatever company is actually running the credit cards (EHO has no control over this). One of the online site where you can donate gives you the option:"I would like to pay the processing fee for my gift." It adds like 31 cents to a $4 donation. Which I agree is not much, but the fee is based on percentage. So if can get 40 people to buy a chicken, but we all do it online that is three chickens ($12.40) that are not going to Every Orphan's Hope. So instead of losing $12 of our collective donation I figure it would be better to pay the 75 cents in postage and mail all of the checks at the same time.

So... please let me know by comment, facebook post, text message, phone call, whatever... if you'd like to buy a chicken with me. Come on... it's just $4! :-)

Karen

P.S.-Oh... and I'm making stickers for anyone who gives me $4 for a chicken. You know you want one!

Praying Together

     My roommate and I have been friends for a long time. We met in the summer of 2003 at a christian girl's summer camp. We were counselors together and made instant friends. We shared a love for that place, the spiritual lessons we'd learned there as kids and the excitment of getting to be the "leaders" as other young girls shared the experience we'd grown to love.

     The next summer we were not in the same cabin, but we remained good friends encouraging each other all summer long. That fall semester she moved to Stillwater to go to OSU while I finished my Sr. year in high school and we've been the best of friends ever since. We usually have attended the same church, served on a church staff together for about 2 years, and often go to the same bible studies/retreats/spiritual things of that nature.

     We've often talked about spiritual things together. We've seen each other in good times, bad times and just down right ugly moments of our own lives. As this school year began we decided to take some time each night to pray together.

     I'm not gonna lie, at first it was WAY awkward. Prayers were short and well thought-out, almost mechanical. I feel like we both dreaded it a little bit so we mentally prepared, "Ok, tonight I'm gonna pray for this, this and that." Spit it out and say amen so it's over. But as we are coming up on a month of spending some time praying together, we are much more comfortable praying out loud in front of each other.

     Last night we had one of the most sweet times in prayer I've ever experienced. We've both been reading/thinking/hoping/wanting/asking about a specific area of our life. And last night it was almost like we weren't even aware of the other one being in the room as we poured our hearts out to God. There were both chuckles and tears last night as we prayer for one another and even confessed our own secret shortfallings infront of one another.

     I was so encouraged to hear her heart as she talked with her saivor, and humbled to hear her pray over me so specifically. I'm so thankful God has given me a friend who will both lift me up and hold me accountable!

WANTED: Irresponsible man with a serious lack in confidence!

WANTED: An irresponsible guy who has zero confidence in himself. This confidence lack should be evident in his speech as well as in the way he carries himself from day to day. It would be nice if he would flirt with my friends occasionally so I can always feel in competition with them. Under no circumstances should we be on the same page spiritually. He must either believe in something slightly different than I or at least be way under my own spiritual maturity level.

Guess what? I'm reading yet another, "Use your singleness to prepare yourself for marriage," type of book. This one's starting out pretty fun though, so I'm holding out some hope it'll be pretty good. The first exercise was to create a want ad for your husband that was all wrong. Thus, the want ad above. There were some steps to go through before creating the ad to help me pinpoint some of the "best" bad qualities I should highlight. The point was to be funny and I literally laughed out loud while I was composing my ad.

The next serious of journal exercises were to help me identify and articulate what good qualities were extra important to me individually. Even though I've spent a lot of time dreaming about who God might have for me, the book actually asked several very specific questions that I really had to think about before I could answer. 10 pages later, (no joke) I'm really glad I decided to get a notebook and actually follow along with the journal activities it suggests. (I'm not normally one to do that. I'll highlight, underline and write in the margins of my books like no body's business, but when they actually encourage you to "take some time to write out ________." I rarely ever do it.)

The last part of the journaling had me read back over everything I had just written and sum up what I was looking for in a quick, "I'm looking for a man who is ______." statement. The author said that when she was single her statement was, "I'm looking for a man who is single, sexy, successful, saved and sane." Then she explained in a little bit of detail what each one of those descriptors meant to her. I decided to go with the alliteration and came up with the following.

"I am looking for a man who is looking, loving, learning and who is not lazy."

Looking- He is looking for/open to being with someone in a dating relationship. If I hear, "I think God might be calling to be single" from one more guy that I am interested in then we're gonna add another "L" word to the list because I am going to Loose it!

Loving- He is generally loving in his interactions with others. No guys with chips on their shoulders, or who are constantly putting other down please.

Learning- He is seeking after an active relationship with Christ, continuing to learn more about Him through the bible, books about faith and others who are more mature than he is. He is also interested in learning new things in general, just has an excitement for life and new experiences.

Not Lazy- He has goals for himself and he works towards accomplishing those goals in his day to day life. I'm okay if his goal is, "To serve Christ, and I don't really know exactly what that looks like yet," as long as his attitude toward life is not, "Whatever, I guess."


So that's my "Statement." If you know anyone who fits these... lol. ;-) I might add a post here or there from this book's journal, we'll just have to wait and see.

To Do List

I am the type of person that is very motivated by goals. I live my business-life by a to-do list. Being self-employed I've learned that it is VITAL to my paycheck that I mange my time wisely. If I don't then "Well, I can work on it this afternoon" turns into, "I can do it tomorrow." And that becomes, "I'll just stay up late tonight to get it done." And before I know it the client is expecting a project to be deliver tomorrow and I haven't even started!

I have a To Do List saved in my phone and each night before I go to sleep I pick out the most important things to accomplish in the next day. Bring them to the top and section them off from the other tasks. When I come to the end of a day and I have checked off everything I get a real sense of accomplishment/satisfaction with myself and allow myself to relax for the evening. (Watch a movie, play Dr. Mario, etc.) When I haven't checked everything off... I usually keep working, and I just feel like I'm behind schedule.

The past two days I have virtually checked nothing off my list!! It's been driving me crazy! This or that will pop up and although I've spent the days doing productive tasks, I haven't checked much off my list, thus I don't feel like I can allow myself to relax.

Yesterday I had added "workout" to the list, because the day before was so busy and I didn't want to skip it again. We had an evening shoot with some tiny football players and even though I was hot and tired when I got home I put on my running shorts told my roommate I'd be back in a 1/2 hour and headed to the clubhouse to check at least one item off my list.

I punched in the combination to the workout room opened the door and headed inside. Somehow my pointer finger on my left hand got caught on something. (The door latch, the locking device, I really don't know what.) But I was already headed full force into the room. My hand got caught between my body and the door and jammed my finger from the knuckle back into the door.

Boy did it hurt! I am not someone who cusses and I literally had cuss words forming on my tongue! It tore a gash of skin off my finger and left some blood on door handle. I went straight to the bathroom to clean my hand up and survey the damage. Then took a wet paper towel back to clean up the door handle.

After I was satisfied that my finger was not, in fact, going to fall off I had a choice to make. Workout or no? My throbbing hand wanted to quit. I had set a goal of running 2 miles in 30 mins for that evening and I knew that running, getting my heart pumping would only make it bleed more and increase the swelling in my finger that had already begun.

Stubbornness more than anything pulled me up onto the treadmill. I was going to get something crossed off my list that day if it killed me! Ha! I ended up running very well for myself, 2 miles in 28 mins and I actually RAN a full mile, one half at a time. When I got back to the apartment I showered and crashed early, happy to have at least gotten one thing from my list accomplished in that day!

Intoxicating

     This weekend I was working a Blazing Rock event with my roommate and cousin in Texas. We had one of many booths in a trade show building. A booth that was not very far from us was Scentsy. You know, those little cubes of wax that you melt in a cutesy little pot. I have to confess, I've never been a scentsy fan. I've just never seen the point in having a candle smelly-good thing without getting to enjoy the soft glow of a tiny flickering flame. Maybe, it's more because I'm a pyro... but I LOVE candles! My roommate recently got her first job as a teacher and she decided that she needed to get a Scentsy contraption for her room so she could combat the scent of "5th Grade Boy".

     While looking over the different scents available my cousin wisely choose one called, "Route 66." When she showed it to me I crinkled my nose and asked, "What kind of a scent is that?" But as soon as I removed the plastic and the wonderful smell hit my nostrils I knew exactly what kind of a scent it was. It was the scent of a freshly showered man! Before I could say anything my cousin says, "It smells like a good boy."

     When it was my turn to go pick out a scent I surveyed the titles, "Apple Pie," "Blueberry Cheesecake," "French Lavender," I spied one that not only is the title of my favorite ZZ Top song, but also completed the discussion we had just had moments before: "Sharp Dressed Man!"

     Chatter abounded when I returned to my friends at our booth and we all breathed deep the smells we had collected. All three of us are single and we joked about how we would now at least get to smell a boy every now and then. We would no longer have to walk slowly as we passed by Abercrombie.

     I had to run a quick errand this morning so before I left I plugged in the warmer and put one of our "man smells" on so the apartment would smell good when I got back. Boy did it ever! Scentsys are strong and our apartment is not big. Ha! I was almost knocked over when I opened the door, but in a good way.

     As I went about my morning activities enjoying the smell of my apartment I remembered a praise and worship song I used to love in high school. One of the lines is "Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place." The song is comparing a relationship with Christ to a relationship with a significant other. Now, I've read all the books there are to read about "dating Jesus" while you are single. And to be honest I'm really tired of that game. (Side note: God knows I'm tired of that game, I've told him many times, but I am actively waiting for whoever he has for me, and I'm begging God to bring him soon.) But the scent turned into a bit of an object lesson for me.

     God's love for me IS extavagant. His friendship IS meant to be intimate. He calls us His bride and in Ephesians 5 Paul talks about how a bride is to be cherished. I love that word, cherished. I need to take time to relish in, cherish, and be intoxicated by His love for me just like I am fully enjoying the current smell of my apartment.

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